When I first wrote this post, I regularly saw people on the Fibromyalgia social network MyFibroTeam answering the question, “Do you miss who you were before Fibromyalgia?” An awful lot of people answered with an unequivocal yes.
For me, though, the answer has never been quite that simple. There are certainly things about my life before Fibromyalgia that I miss, both physically and mentally, but when I think about the person I was then compared with the person I am now, there is much more to consider.
What I Miss About My Life Before Fibromyalgia
Before I had Fibromyalgia, became a Spoonie, or however else you want to describe it, I had a very full life.
Work and purpose
I worked full time in a job I loved, helping people who were out of work move back into the workplace. Although I wasn’t using my teaching qualification in a school, I was still using the essence of it by training and supporting people. I hope that, in some small way, I still do a little of that through the posts I write now. I have written more about how Fibromyalgia eventually changed my relationship with work in Working With Fibromyalgia When Work Has to Change.
Choir, theatre and tap dancing
Alongside my career, I had a full range of other activities. I sang in my church choir twice every Sunday, as well as going to a midweek practice. At times such as Christmas and Easter, the schedule became much busier and it was quite a commitment, but it gave me a real sense of purpose and I wouldn’t have changed it.
I also took part in stage productions and, for a while, revisited something from my childhood by taking tap dancing classes.
Genealogy and creativity
And those were just the things I did outside the house. At home, I was the webmaster for a thriving genealogy website as well as spending time researching my own family history. I made greetings cards and dabbled in other crafts too.
Thankfully, I can still research my family history and carry on crafting, even if I have to do both at a much slower pace.
I was busy, and I loved it!
What I Miss About How My Mind Used to Work
One of the things I definitely miss is having a memory I could rely on. Fibro Fog has changed that considerably, and it is one of the many Fibromyalgia symptoms that can affect everyday life.
My memory used to be very reliable and, in some ways, certainly above average. Annoyingly, that didn’t always help me when I had to sit exams!
I think the best way to describe it is that my brain was very good at holding onto general ideas and theories, along with minute details about the things that genuinely interested me. Like it or not, when you are going through school, very few pupils are equally interested in nine or more subjects.
That was probably one of the reasons I took to university education far more than I ever did to school.
Returning to Education as an Adult
When I was at school, I worked hard, but I didn’t excel. I knew I hadn’t reached my potential and, for a long time, I battled with the feeling that perhaps I just wasn’t that bright.
It wasn’t about vanity or wanting to compete with anyone else. I simply felt that I had more to give.
For me, that eventually led to sitting a Mensa test, where I was told I had an IQ of 140. That gave me the confidence to do what was needed to return to education as an adult.
I started with two foundation courses through the Open University, one in Arts and one in Technology, before going on to complete a full-time degree at Leeds University.
I genuinely believe that having time away from formal education, along with experience of the workplace, meant I was able to embrace the opportunities university gave me far more deeply than I might have done if I had gone straight from school.
Returning to education as an adult is something I am still incredibly proud of.
Fibromyalgia Has Educated Me
That brings me to the deeper part of the question, “Do I miss who I was before Fibromyalgia?” Not just the life I lived, but the person I was.
I have always been someone who reflects on things, and looking back now I am painfully aware that before I started living with Fibromyalgia, I don’t think I truly understood what it was like to live with a disability or chronic illness.
I hope, and genuinely believe, that I never knowingly hurt or offended anyone, but there is a difference between being sympathetic and really understanding what it is like when your body limits what you can do.
Living with Fibromyalgia has given me far more empathy for that.
I can still do many of the things I could do before, but my ability to do them is reduced and unpredictable. I can still walk, for example, but the distance I can manage is nothing like it once was, and even that varies from day to day.
More importantly, I think Fibromyalgia has changed the way I look at other people. I no longer admire only the person who wins the race. I also admire the person who has battled through heaven and earth simply to make it to the starting line.
So, Do I Miss Who I Was Before Fibromyalgia?
The answer is still not a simple yes or no.
I miss a lot about my life before Fibromyalgia. I miss not being in pain and having more energy, being able to make plans without wondering whether my body will cooperate, and having a memory I could rely on. I miss some of the things I used to do and the freedom I had to do them.
But do I actually miss the person I was?
Not entirely.
Living with Fibromyalgia has changed me in ways I would never have chosen, but it has also changed how I see other people and how I understand lives that look very different from my own.
I am still interested in learning. I am still creative. I still love genealogy. I still want to help people, share what I know and feel that I am contributing something useful. Those parts of me did not disappear when Fibromyalgia arrived.
What changed was the pace, the reliability and the way I have to go about doing things.
So yes, there are parts of my old life I would happily have back. But I do not think I would want to go back to being exactly the person I was before Fibromyalgia either.
I would much rather keep what I have learned, while occasionally wishing I could borrow my old energy and memory for the day.